Something queer this way comes
by Frank the Pug
Summary: There's a new DADA teacher at Hogwarts, but theres something queer about him (and this whole story). Lots of random madness.
1. A new face

A/N: I'm stupid and insane.

Disclaimer: I don't own a god damn thing in this fic. Oh, and sorry if you get offended by something in this fic, it's just a stupid parody after all.

**Chapter 1: A new face**

McGonagall entered the room in her usual stiff kind of way.

" Today I would like to make a little announcement before we get to work."

"Odd, usually Dumbledore is the one to make the announcements."

Harry whispered to Ron.

"I know. Hope its something good. Like maybe Snape died, oh...what if...gay marriages are finally legal in the wizardry world, then you and I can finally marry each other!...Merlin's molded toenails, did I just say that!?!"

Ron covered his mouth with his hands and Harry looked puzzled.

"Be quiet."

Hermione growled from under her copy of "_To kill a mockingbird"_.

"Have they killed the bird yet?" Ron whispered.

"No"

"Why not?"

"Will you two shut up? She's waiting for you."

"Who?" Ron asked.

"What an idiot."

"Can the two gentlemen in the back be kind enough to let me proceed?"

Harry and Ron went quiet.

"Thank you. Now, I'd would like to announce that we finally got a new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher."

A tall wizard with a grey cloak and bushy eyebrows that were sticking from under the brim of his hat walked up to the front of the class and took a spot next to McGonagall.

"I would like to introduce myself. I am Gandalf the Grey."

"We know that already! We've all read Tolkien!"

A boy with his feet on the table exclaimed.

"Yes, well. I will be teaching you Defe..."

"Aren't you kinda in the wrong book?"

Another student interrupted Gandalf.

"Yes, well my work is done in the..."

"I thought you were Gandalf the white nowadays!"

Some blond girl from the back shouted.

"Hey! That's just racist! Why aren't you Gandalf the black?!?"

Jordan exclaimed.

"Well, that's how the book goes. "

Hermione explained.

"So if a guy's black he's bad but the whiter he gets the better? Cause that's how the book goes."

"Of course not. Just look at Michael Jackson! He turned from black to white and now he sucks."

Harry butted in.

"Are you blaming that on his color!? Are _you _saying that white guys are _bad_!?"

Draco yelled.

"I should expect that from a scar head like you!"

Draco yelled throwing a chair at Harry. Everyone started to hit each other because they all disagreed about something or just wanted to hit someone.

Scarface appeared out of nowhere.

"You, pale boy in the corner, you got a problem with scarred people?"

A bunch of mafia guys in pinstriped suits showed up behind Scarface and started shooting at Draco with there Tommy guns.

"Wait!"

Neo reached his hand out towards the mafia guys. All the bullets froze.

Everyone stopped hitting each other and looked at Neo.

"What the hell is _he_ doing here?"

Harry whispered to Hermione.

"I don't know."

"...I can feel them"

Neo continued.

"Feel who?!?"

Ron exclaimed.

"Oh, whatever! Let's proceed."

Some skinny Slytherin yelled and punched Neo.

Professor McGonagall looked upset.

Professor Gandalf was shocked, but not for long, since he got hit by a coconut in his head. The beating continued for ten minutes or so, until Dumbledore burst into the room.

"What is this?!?! Stop it immediately! What in the name of Merlin's nose hair is going on in here?!"

"The new professor was going to introduce himself."

Hermione answered, still holding Draco with one hand and a baseball bat with the other. He appeared to be bleeding from his head.

"Well, where is he then?!?"

Harry pointed to the floor. Where Professor Gandalf was laying unconscious.

"Who did that?!"

"It was Cookie! That monkey from Tibet!"

Dumbledore gave cookie an angry look and she hid her head in her robes.

"You are getting detention today! And as for the rest of you! Clean this mess up!"

Dumbledore left the room and everyone began to clean up all the papers and broken chairs. Several students crawled around the floor looking for the teeth.

**A/N:** R&R, but don't too cruel, remember, I'm insane and stupid.


	2. What the hell?

**A/N:** La la la la la.

P.S GRATS! If you have come this far in reading the story, I'm sooo going to kill you! Only the first chapter I said!

**Disclaimer:** To sound like George Bush (the half chimp half donkey) "I ain't did not own anything!"

Don't own Harry Potter or anything else in this fic just to make it clear.

**Chapter 2: What the hell?!?**

Everyone was pissed, it was an unbelievably grey day and it was pouring cats and dogs outside. Literally.

Some first year had mumbled something about bats and some fog and his wand was broken so, well the result was that it was dangerous to go out now because of the high getting-hit-by-a-canine-and-cat-factor. So a long expected quidditch game was put off until the situation was taken care of.

Some Gryffindor students were in a particularly bad mood, but not because of the canceled quidditch game but because they had detention, with the Slytherins and most annoyingly of all, Snape!

The poor students were making their way down to the dungeons.

"What do you think of the new professor?" Ron asked Hermione.

No answer.

"Hello. What do you think of him?"

No answer. Hermione continued reading her stupid "To kill a mockingbird" book.

Harry leaned over and glanced at the title.

"Oh bloody hell. Haven't you finished the stupid book yet?"

"Yes. I'm re-reading it to enhance the experience." Hermione answered, still not looking up from the book.

"You're mental, you know?" Ron said giving Hermione a pathetic look.

No answer.

Ron sighed and went on to bugging Harry instead.

"So, when do you think the cat and dog situation is going to stop?" Ron asked grinning.

"Dunno." Harry answered.

"Well, who do you think will win the quidditch cup this year?" Ron continued the bugging.

"Dunno." Harry answered again.

"Ahm, what do you think of the new professor?" Ron maid a last attempt to start a conversation.

"Dunno." This seemed to be Harry's favorite word.

Ron shut up for a little while and so did his other two friends, who now that I think about it weren't speaking much before that either. They approached the class where they were going to have their detention. Their fellow classmates were also standing there, looking as if they were about to be executed or something.

Suddenly Ron exclaimed. ; "Oh, Harry. I love you! I can't live without you! Will you marry me?!?"

Everyone stopped and turned towards Ron, Harry looked at him as if he was a Basilisk, Cookie the Monkey dropped her coconut that she was aiming at Draco, and Hermione, well she didn't care, she continued "enhancing" her experience of the stupid bird book.

"Did I just say that?" Ron looked as if he had just woken up and found himself sleepwalking.

Everyone stared.

"Merlin's contact lenses! I was just quoting a stupid fic." Ron tried covering the embarrassing moment up.

The staring didn't cease.

"Oh, like you haven't read them."

Most of the students looked away and minded their own business, being guilty of smuggling in a laptop into Hogwarts and staying up at night reading some _very bad_ R stories on fanfiction.

"Did you really quote a fic?" Harry whispered.

"No."

"Then what the bloody hell is wrong with you?!?"

"I don't know. I just suddenly felt like saying that. I don't know why."

"Did the little voices in your head tell you to?" Neville asked, appearing out of nowhere.

"_No_" Ron answered.

"Did they go on vacation or something?" Neville asked.

"I don't hear voices." Ron answered, again.

"Well, you could for only 99.99 $ a month."

The three friends looked puzzled, or just the two friends, cause Hermione was still reading her book, but she _would _have looked puzzled, if she cared.

"âI work for the Illegal-stuff etc. & co. You get a pack of theses little blue pills for free as a start package and we do free delivery by broom."

Still looking puzzled.

"Nope, guess not." Neville disappeared again. Harry and Ron's non blinking state was interrupted by Snape's irritated voice telling them to get their asses into the class. Hermione didn't move so Harry and Ron took her by her both arms and carried her into the classroom.

"What the hell could be so interesting with the stupid book!" Ron yelled and letting go of Hermione, who fell hitting her head on a table, snatched the book from her hand. He read;

'_..She entered his office, she didn't know why she had come here, something had just pulled her in here._

_She looked around the room. It was dark and cold in the room. She saw professor...'´_

"Wait a second." Ron said looking at Hermione. "Is this what I think it is?"

He continued reading;

'_Snape sitting at his desk. He looked up rather surprised. "Miss Ganger, what are you doing here? YIu have class now." He stood up and walked up to Hermione, she felt"'_

Ron didn't feel like reading anymore, he had a bad feeling about this feeling. So he just looked at the top of the page; _'SSHG, rated R'_

"Eeew. Hermione! That's sick!" Harry exclaimed, having read the pages to.

Hermione got up and snatched the book from Ron.

"Fine, I enchanted the pages to be able to read a stupid fic. But why do you care what I read?"

"Well, I don't. But that's just sick´!"

"You fancy Snape or something?" Harry asked with a voice that sounded much like the one saying _I'm so scared right now_,from Blair witch project.

"Well, No I didn'tâI doâI mean I don't. Oh, I don't know.

Cookie jumped up on Hermione's shoulder and read the pages, she quickly jumped down again.

Having only seen some few words like; _Kissed, grabbed and hard_. Cookie looked rather disturbed and grossed out.

"C'mon you're"

"Will you shut up back there!" Snape yelled, interrupting Ron.

"..reading porn." Ron finished.

Snape had of course heard that and was rather shocked.

'_Hermione reading porn? Hmm, interesting, what could she have been reading about? Did she ever think aboutâoh no!_' Snape caught himself thinking. What the hell was he wondering about her hobbies anyways?!?

"All right, you will be writing a two foot long essay on the theory behind potions making in the 14th century. You may start now. Oh, and I almost forgot. The Slytherins will only have to write an essay on why their house is the best." He did a flicking move with his wand and a pile of books appeared on every student's table. Everyone sighed. Except for cookie, she just threw some crap a coconut at Snape. But he deflected it and it hit Cookie in the head instead, knocking her backwards.

And so the boredom began.

**A/N:** Oh well, thanks for your reviews for the first chapter, I'm soo £!$# happy. Sorry that this chapter was a bit of a drag. But c'mon its Monday after all and I'm fucking stupid. I'll do better in the next chapter. Now, go and review my stupid story.


	3. Queer eye for the schizzo guy

**A/N:** First things first. Amila, thank you for your idea with the coconut and the title, it helped with the insanity creating part, and thank you for your review. And a big thanks to my reviewers for my last chapter, all two of them, you ungrateful bastaaa...did I say that out loud? Oops.

Oh, well anyway, read and review this crap.

P.S GRATS! If you have come this far in reading the story, I'm sooo going to kill you! Only the first chapter I said!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything in this story, the plot the names, the characters and I don't even own the god damn reviews, so there, happy now?!? You stupid lawyers showing my tongue to my lawyer.

**Chapter 3: **Queer eye for the schizzo guy

Hermione woke up after only two hours of sleep. Last nights detention was horrible, although she was lucky. Some poor slow people were still sitting in Snape's dungeon finishing their stupid essay.

She yawned loudly and stretched her arms cracking every bone in her body with a disgusting sound.

She got up and picked her bag up from the floor and noticing that the clock on the wall was showing dangerously close to eight o'clock she quickly got ready.

Same time at the boy's dormitory Ron and Harry were waking up. Ron opened his eyes and found himself face to face with a Harry, who also opened his eyes at that moment.

"Aaaah! What in bloody hell are you doing here?!" Harry yelled, jumping out of his bed and as far away from Ron as possible.

"Sleepwalking?" Ron said, smiling.

"Why are you in my bed?! Are you mad!?" Harry continued.

"Madly in love." Ron answered gazing at Harry, who at the moment didn't know weather to throw up or to beat up Ron. This was way too freaky for him.

"What do you think you're talking abo...Ron? _Ron_? Can you hear me?" Harry noticed that Ron's eyes glazed over and he now appeared to be staring at some distant object.

"Ron?"

Suddenly Ron blinked and looked up at Harry.

"What?" Then Ron took a look around him.

"What in the name of Houdini am I doing in your bed?!?"

"You were sleepwalking?" Harry answered, feeling confused.

"I don't sleepwalk!" Ron didn't understand anything. What was he doing in Harry's bed?

"But you told me a second ago that you did." Harry was getting confused.

Ron was getting freaked out so he quickly got up from the bed.

"I...I...I don't know how I got here and..." Ron looked down.

"Why am I almost naked?!?" he exclaimed and

"I don't know. I woke up and you were there!" Harry was getting very annoyed.

"Well, I better...go...and...well..."

"Put some clothes on?" Harry finished.

"Yeah, that." Ron quickly left the room.

He had been moved to another room since he almost choked one of his roommates for snoring too loud. Ron claimed that he had no recollection of doing that.

Hermione was hurrying to the Defense against the dark arts class. She wanted to make a good first impression on the new professor, luckily she maid it just in time. She took a seat at the front of the class. The clock on the wall showed eight o five, the professor was nowhere to be seen. Eight fifteen, still not there, eight twenty nothing, eight thirty...nobody seems to care.

Where is Gandalf anyway? Hermione thought. Did he recover after the coconut accident?

Suddenly the professor burst into the room, he looked very tired and had black rings under his eyes. He walked up to the front of the class-room.

"Girls and boys." He said, clapping his hands.

No answer.

"Ahm...excuse me." Gandalf said

No one stops talking.

"Hello, Ahm...I am your new teacher." Gandalf tries to make another attempt at getting attention.

Sure, like the students give a badger's as about what the professor has to say.

Harry walks into the room and mumbles something that's supposed to be an apology and takes a seat next to Hermione. Ron comes in after Harry and without saying anything takes a seat as far away from Harry as possible.

"Can-can...you be quiet please." Gandalf fails to get the students to shut up.

"Hey did someone say can-can?!" Neville burst out.

"Hey cool!" Cho yells.

Satine and her annoying manger guy from Moulin Rouge show up from out of nowhere (as most of the characters in this fic).

"_You can can can can! C'mon, c'mon."_

Everyone gets up on the tables and starts to dance can-can.

Gandalf looses all hope.

"OH JUST SHUT UP YOU STUPID SICK BRATS! YOU SHOULD ALL BE PUT AWAY IN A MENTAL INTITUTION!" Gandalf yelled, feeling he couldn't take it no more.

"So what?!? I'm mental to." The author takes a giant coconut from cookie and throws it at Gandalf missing him by a few inches and hitting the wall instead, causing the giant coconut to shatter.

"Piña coladas on the house!" Harry yelled. Everyone rushed over to the newly made puddle of Piña colada.

"Cookie? Are those magical coconuts that are in fact Piña coladas?" The author looked at Cookie with a fake angry look. Cookie looked ashamed. "Oh, you hopeless alcoholic." The author said, taking the coconuts from the poor monkey; Cookie threw her last coconut at the author and knocked her out.

Thus, end of chapter.

**Auto A/N: **_The author has either passed out or has been knocked out so she can't write. But please do review her story. Thank you, have a nice day._


	4. An offer he can't refuse

**LONG A/N: **Ok,I finally woke up again. Stupid monkey and her coconuts.

I have noticed a little pattern in my fic, that being the fact that all the classes I've tried to write about so far have turned into just plain idiotic attempts at being funny, so I've decided to make this a serious story...just kidding, I'll just try to make the plot (yes there is one) to show a bit better.

I also noticed some stupid mistakes in this stupid fic in the last stupid chapter, so stupid me changed the stupid mistakes :-). Anywayz sorry for the babble... on with the story.

**Disclaimer: **How should I put this?...I don't own anything! Except for cookie...ahm...myself...the idea for this story, there was no idea actually but I've got to own something. Don't own H.P & co, Pus in boots, Gandalf, Whiskas or anything else ...hell... I don't even own this damn computer.

**Chapter 4: An offer he can't refuse**

Gandalf woke up in his room in the north tower. Dumbledore had dragged him up there after that he was knocked out by Angelina's foot when she was dancing the can-can.

His head hurt a lot and he felt aggravated.

"Shtupid kidsh. Never let shomeone finish, alwaysh want to have fun." he mumbled in pain.

His jaw was swollen and he looked much like Rocky after his fight against that big mean guy in part 1. Maybe it was because after Gandalf was accidentally knocked out, the kids continued dancing and trampled all over him. Why did Hermione insist on wearing stilettos that day? Gandalf asked himself as he attempted to get up from the floor. He heaved himself onto a battered couch which stood in the corner of his room and decided not to move anymore since it hurt so freakin much. He put a soothing charm to heal himself and it worked...well...like a charm

"I don't understand. I specifically gave the passion potion to Ron and Harry. They were _supposed_ to fall in love with me." He mumbled to himself again.

"Maybe you mixed up the potions you old twat." A soft voice said, scaring the crap out of Gandalf.

"Who's there?" Gandalf asked in panic.

"I'm puss..." A cat in trampy looking red boots jumped out in front of Gandalf pointing a Whiskas can at him.

"Oh...oops." The cat threw the can of cat food away and drew his sword. "...in boots" the cat finished lamely.

"How did you get in here?" Gandalf asked. Quite puzzled and surprised by the appearance of the unexpected intruder.

"Oh, come on. The password man, it's too easy. Micheal Jackson.

"How did you figure it out?"

"Oh, you and those little under aged hobbits in Lord of the rings. Everyone knows you and M.J got a thing for little boys."

Gandalf didn't say anything and blinked. His secret was revealed, he was ruined.

"Now, I'm here to make you an offer you can't refuse You work for me and I won't tell anyone about your ahm...interests." Puss continued.

"Why would I work for a talking cat?" Gandalf asked.

"Well, if you don't then you will be facing at least...like twenty years in Azkaban for child molesting." The cat gave a smirk.

It's true, Gandalf thought, wizards are very strict with that kind of stuff.

"What do you want anyway?" He asked.

"To make everyone fall in love with each other. And ruin the school that way." The cat purred checking out his nails.

"Why?" Gandalf asked.

"That is my own matter." the cat answered.

"But why do you want to ruin the school?" Gandalf didn't get it.

"To build a giant yarn ball in its place! What the hell do you care?!" The cat yelled (yes cats can yell).

"A giant yarn ball seems nice." Gandalf replied.

"I'm not _actually_ going to build a giant yarn ball you moron." The cat snapped.

"Ok. But what do you want me to do?" Gandalf asked.

"Well, you make one of the worlds most elaborated love potions. The one you used on Aaron Carter to seduce him for example."

"Oh, yes I'm an expert at those." Gandalf agreed, but then remembered that the cat was blackmailing him.

"If I help you, will you keep my secret quiet?" Gandalf asked cautiously.

"Yes, I'll keep your secret. I'll even introduce you to M.J and get you a spot in the Catholic Church. You can be in charge of the boy quire."

Gandalf couldn't believe his luck.

"So will you make the potions?" the cat looked up from his nails.

"Yes." Gandalf nodded.

**A/N:**This is my longest fic so far and I'm glad I'm getting _some_ reviews for this shit. I'm trying to make more sense but it isn't working. But I'll try harder for the next chapter.

Any suggestions or preferences for the next chapter are very welcome (since my imagination is on a vacation in Florida, it'll be back on October the 9th).

**Amila007:** You _finally_ reviewed my first two chapters, though it did take you a billion years to do so, but thanks for so nice reviews anyway.

¨

**NikkiEvans:** Glad you thought this was funny.

**Tama-Avanami:** Thank you for your...ahm...interesting review. Nice to have a funny reviewer.

Hope you all stick around for the next chapter, I'll post it at the end of the week.


	5. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the ma...

**A/N: **.....and I'm like...whatever...dudududun....lalala

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Harry (thank god), the "whatever" song (I love it), Gandalf (why would I?), Gollum (I am Gollum), puss in boots (Shrek 2 rulz)

**Chapter 5: Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the maddest of them all? **

It was a wonderful Tuesday morning, the birds were singing, the sun was shining, well not exactly shining but more of glowing...a bit. And the birds weren't _actually_ birds, they were blood drinking pixies from Madagascar, don't ask how they got there. Anyway.

Harry was waking up. He forced one eye open, with fear that Ron might be laying next to him. But no Ron was discovered and Harry opened his other eye. Which by the way are green! Not blue! Harry Potter has green eyes, you stupid moviemakers, green! Ahem...sorry, anger management.

Harry opened his _green_ eyes, only to be blinded by the freaking sunlight.

"Uuuh." Harry grunted. He sat right up in his four-poster bed and bumped his scared forehead with a ringing sound.

"Urgh! Stupid worthless, cheap school furniture!" He yelled and hit the bed, which collapsed under him and produced a bunch of noise, dust and grunting swearwords from Harry's side.

"Uh, not again." Harry mumbled as he got up from the pile of wooden boards and other stuff that used to be a bed.

He looked at the mattress, which now was split in half and then he saw something interesting.

"What the..." he mumbled and looked closer at what appeared to be a plastic bag with something in it, hidden inside the mattress. He tugged at the bag and pulled it out with little effort. He looked at the contents.

"Holy shit! Crack!" Harry exclaimed.

Yes, Harry was right. He had just found Fred and George's old stash. Lucky bastard.

And as all normal people that happen to find a mattress full of first class drugs, Harry decided to hide them.

But where? And what would he do with all this crap anyway? He thought. Then a little light bulb appeared over his head.

"I can sell it! I'm rich!" he exclaimed quietly, not that it really makes sense, exclaiming something quietly, but still, we didn't want to wake the others up.

And don't anyone of you try exclaiming something quietly at home. This was done by an expert under supervision of the insane author and it _can not_ be done by normal people! Sorry, I'm crazy. Anyway, back to the story.

Harry put the bag back inside the mattress.

"Beddius Repairus!" he said as he flicked his wand and the bed assembled itself again. Then he looked at the clock on the wall, and noticing it was twenty past eight he got up and quickly got ready for class.

Meanwhile...

Up in the north tower, Gandalf was planning his evil scheme with puss in boots.

"So why do you think the potion hasn't worked on Ron yet?" Gandalf asked his furry employer.

"Well are you sure you gave him the right potion?" puss purred back.

"Yes, he drank the potion, right in front of me. I put it in his juice at breakfast."

"Well, we could test the potion on someone." the cat purred again and looked at Gandalf with an evil smile, if cats can smile that is.

"Hey! Don't look at me!" Gandalf exclaimed and moved away from the evil little furry creature.

"Mjau, then who do you suggest?"

"Ahm...Gollum?"

"Good choice."

Gollum appeared out of nowhere.

"Sssssstupid wizard. You diiiie! Diiiie!" Gollum hissed.

"Good to ssssssee you Gandalf." Gollum's other personality lisped.

"No! We're not glad to sssse you Gandalf! And sssstupid mean author, making fun of our lissssssp.

"I was so not making fun of you!" the author butts in again.

Gandalf stared at the two while puss checked his reflection.

"Wassss to." Gollum hisses at the author.

"Was not!" Author in denial. (Don't want to get sued by Gollum now do I?)

"Wassss to!" Gollum hisses again.

"Was not!"

Gollum bites author.

"Urgh!!!! You stupid, bald, schizophrenic (no offense if any of my readers are stupid, bald, schizophrenics).

Author bites Gollum back.

"Aaaah, crazy bitch! Bit ussssss!" Gollum hissed. Holding his bleeding hand.

Author disappears. And goes back to the plot, and to get some antiseptic, might get rabies or something, yuck.

"What in the name of me just happened?" Gandalf mumbled.

Puss was still checking his reflection.

"I look goooood." he purred.

"Are you possibly related to Usher?" Gandalf asked.

"No." puss answered, still looking at his reflection.

"Gildroy Lockhart?" Gandalf asked again.

"No. Why do you ask?" puss asked, checking out his nails.

"No reason." Gandalf said. "Selfish little bastard." He added in a low tone.

"So, should we tie Gollum down and feed him the potion?" puss asked.

"Sure."

Gandalf waved his staff at some ropes and they tied Gollum. Lazy wizards, never want to do anything by themselves, always have to use magic. No wonder they live for like a thousand years.

"Can you hand me the potion puss?"

Puss was of course too busy with staring at his reflection and blowing kisses at it.

"Whatever."

Gandalf waved with the staff again and the potion appeared in his hand. He forced Gollum to swallow it. And after a few seconds Gollum's eyes started to look strange, well, stranger than usual.

"Massssster Gandalf! You look hot! We like you." the ugly little creature began to hiss. Then his eyes turned normal again.

"Sssstupid Gandalf. Don't like Gandalf." Gollum hissed again.

"Why isn't he liking me?" Gandalf turned to puss, who was now taking numerous pictures of himself (yes, I know electrical objects do not work in Hogwarts! But who cares?)

"What the hell are you doing?" Gandalf asked puss.

"Oh, just a little something for my fans." Puss did a kissing face as he took a picture.

"What is going on with yo...did you possibly drink a green bubbly potion?" Gandalf looked at the shelves, to check for any missing bottles,

"Potions?!? Oh no. They are horrible for the complexion. And mine is puuuurfect" Puss purred, going back to the reflection staring.

"That's it." Gandalf waved his staff, mumbling something in elvish and a green little haze evaporated from puss.

"What the hell was that?" puss asked.

"Vanity potion."

"I didn't drink a vanity potion!" puss exclaimed.

"It was in that green bottle right there." Gandalf pointed at a bottle labeled Carlsberg.

"I thought that was beer!"

"Anyway. We've tested the potion on Gollum and it didn't work., What do we do now?" Gandalf asked.

"It did work, and I think I know why the potion didn't work on Ron now." puss purred. "Because he, just like Gollum, probably has a personality disorder and the potion only works when one personality is taking over and is neutral when the other takes over."

"Did you take a braniac potion?" Gandalf asked suspiciously.

"No I've always been a genius." Puss answered.

"Vanity potion kicking in again?"

Puss hissed at Gandalf.

"Calm down. So you're saying Ron is a schizzo?"

"Must be."

"We love Legolassssss and hissss pretty hairssssss. He'ssss sssso sssssexyyyyy...." Gollum hissed.

"No he'ssss ugly. Ugly hairssssss." Gollum hissed again.

"You could be right puss."

**A/N: **I think that's enough. Anyway, suggestions or complaints let me know in you're **_review_**, just don't be too cruel I have a fever and am delirious right now so this chapter was weird, I know.

**Amila 007** thanx for finally reviewing my story. Hope you like this chapter. Sorry, no Harry and Ron fluff, orka inte :-(

**Caido Angeles The Dream Angel**Thanx for reviewing. There will be some more people that turn out to be gay, the story _is_ called "Something queer this way comes" for a reason.

**Sirius-Bond**You can drop off the 99$, cash or credit (we accept only visa and mastercard), to the guy in the trench coat on 85th street, right by the dumpster. Oh, and glad u like the story. Like your name by the way.

**CountingCodfish**Yay! you liked that line. Thanx for your review, hope you stick around for the next chapter.

**All you lazy bastards who didn't review: **URGH! Hope you die and burn in hell! ...Anger management is _so_ not working for me.


	6. The job

**A/N:** Ok, cookie is in rehab right now, so she will be gone for a while. Oh well...on with the story.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own anything. Ok?! Is that fine by you, you freaking lawyers?!?! Stop suing me?!?!

**Chapter 6: The job**

Harry rushed into the dungeon and took a seat next to Hermione. This was awful, coming late to Snape's class. This would surely mean a billion points from Gryffindor and torture.

"Well, well. Isn't it our own little celebrity boy?" Snape snarled and turned around. "What's your excuse?"

Oh, great. Let the torture begin, Harry thought.

"I...I...well...you see." Harry stammered. What the hell was he supposed to say? Look professor I found thousands pounds worth of crack in my mattress and needed time to hide it? "Ahm, my bed collapsed and...I...ahm...had to go to the hospital wing...because...I..."

"What you broke your nail?" Snape snarled again. Several students laughed.

"No I had to go and check for brain damage, because I hit my head when I fell." Nice one Harry, he thought to himself. That won't make this any worse.

"Well, you could have come right here and I could have given you that diagnose myself. Anyway, five-hundred points from Gryffindor and detention!"

"Five-hundred! But that's almost all our points!" Ron yelled.

"Oh don't' worry. Don't you know? Harry will do some heroic thing at the end of the year, probably the annual attack by Voldemort and saving everyone, even out the score and bring Gryffindor out to the lead by only a couple of points so the whole thing will seem like a miracle and save the freaking day. Duh!" Hermione explained.

"Good, point Miss Granger. Seven hundred points from Gryffindor then. And detention for Potter and Weasley." Snape smirked and crossed his arms, like he always does, making himself look like a freaking bat.

All the Gryffindors looked _very_ angrily at Hermione.

"So, moving on. Today we will be making veritaseum. It is quite hard to make and no way in hell will _I_ be testing it. So, here are the instructions. And don't mess up anything you unworthy little brats." Snape tapped the board with his wand and went to sit at his desk and sipping at his coffee, and _yes_ he drinks coffee.

Hermione's potion turned out just fine. Neville blew up his and the toxic fumes made big donkey ears grow out on his head and a pair of wings on his as. Harry screwed his potion up to, but got away with it because he is the boy who lived and gets away with everything. Ron's potion was just fine but he still got a D, just because he is in Gryffindor and Snape is a hypocritical favoriteising adorable bastard.

Anyway, everyone was quite relived when the class ended.

"So, what are you guys doing now?" Neville asked, hovering beside Ron and Harry with the help of his newly grown wings, which were still attached to his as. Snape thought that leaving Neville with the wings would be even better then failing the poor guy.

"Oh, nothing. Just got to sell some drugs. You know anyone who might be interested?" Harry said in a very matter-of-fact voice.

Ron stared.

"Drugs?!" he exclaimed.

"Did I just say I was going to sell drugs? The fumes from the potion must have screwed me up or something." Harry said.

"Yeah, I know a guy in east Hogsmead, who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who killed a guy, who could hook you up with a guy that knows a guy that could buy your stuff." Neville said, with a creepy Snoop dog accent.

"Cool. Can we go to that guy today?" Harry asked cheerfully as if they were some girl scouts selling cookies.

East Hogsmead...

Harry, Ron, Neville were walking, well Neville was actually flying, but who cares, they were _moving_ up a street that was lined by run down houses painted with graffiti. A mattress was floating after them.

"Are you sure we're in the right neighborhood?" Harry asked Neville and looked around.

"Sure, it's not far away. See that house over there?"

"The one where it says _Keep out_? And a bunch of mean looking guys dressed in black?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, that's it."

"Great. Were three under aged wizards with twenty pounds of crack and one of us has donkey ears and wings sticking out of his as. We're screwed." Ron moaned.

"I agree." Harry said.

"Here we are" Neville landed next to a mean looking guy that was guarding the entrance to the house they were going to enter.

"Password." The six foot tall guy said in a surprisingly squeaky voice.

"We hate Eminem." Neville answered.

"You can pass." The tall dude opened the gate.

"Were dead, were dead." Ron squealed as they entered the house.

"Yo, Cell!" Neville yelled.

"Hey! Fat L! Wazzup?" A tall skinny guy in baggy pants came out and did a weird handshake with Neville.

"Yo, Waazup...homie." Ron attempted to be cool.

Everyone stared at him.

"Oh, no." Ron muttered and looked down, praying that he wouldn't be killed now.

"Listen, we're here to sell you some stuff." Neville continued.

"Sure. Come in. I'll go and get the other guys." The guy by the name Cell disappeared upstairs.

"Cell?" Harry asked.

"Used to be Lancellot. But he changed it." Neville answered.

"With two l's?"

"Yeah."

"Whatever."

Cell came back with three short buff guys following him. They all greeted Neville.

"Hey who's the quiet friend Fat L?" A big guy named Slice (it was either that or pizza-face) asked.

"Harry." Neville answered.

"Hello. I'm Harry Potter." Harry introduced himself.

"Potter, Potter, Potter, where have I heard that before? Shit, are you the boy that lived?!?" Slice jumped from excitement.

"Yeah."

"Cool, can I get your autograph?!?" A guy named Thug exclaimed.

"Ahm, sure."

"Anyway. What you got?" Cell asked.

"Crack. And not some little deal were talking bout here, twenty pounds of high quality shit, man." (here goes the weird accent I've been talking about again) Neville took out his wand. "Accusio mattress!"

He yelled and the big mattress flew into the hallway knocking him over and landed on the poor flying donkey-boy.

"Help!" Neville's muffled cry was heard from under the mattress.

Slice and Shrug heaved the mattress off of Neville.

"Oooh, I think I broke a wing." Neville moaned.

"Open the mattress." Thug ordered Ron.

Ron took out his pocket knife and cut up the mattress.

Cell took out his wand, mumbled something and the white powder glowed green and then went back to normal.

"This looks fine to me." Cell said as he got up.

"Hey man, can you do somethin' bout my wing?" Neville asked, flying round in circles because of his broken wing.

"Wingus Repairo!" (the author's too lazy to get her onto the internet and look up a real spell in an online latin translator)

Neville's wing flickered and then restored itself to normal, as normal as a wing growing out of a guy's as can be.

"Anyway, how much is this worth?" Harry asked.

Cell wrote a number on a paper.

"That much?" Harry fainted. Everyone stared.

"Someone, wake him up." Cell ordered.

Ron slapped Harry and he woke up with a jolt.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Harry exclaimed.

"Cell told me to wake you up."

"Oh, sure. You're just pissed at me for what happened yesterday." Harry yelled.

"Oh, so I _wasn't_ sleepwalking. Something _did_ happen. What did you do to me you..." Ron's eyes glazed over.

"...wonderful, hot, sexy..."

"Hey, none of that shit in my house!" Cell yelled and threw Ron outside. Ron flew, landed with a splash in a pool, hit his head on something, started to bleed from his head and passed out. But who cares about him. Harry will probably give him mouth to mouth and he'll be fine again. Hmm, not a bad idea. Muhahaha! Sorry. I'm a stupid author, I know, but I _have_ to butt in.

**A/N: **Will Harry save Ron? Will they become friends again? Will Ron ever stop being such a geek and Neville such a cluts and will the author stop being such a lazy bitch and actually finish a chapter properly? Stay tuned.


	7. Random insanity

**A/N: **If anyone actually gives a fuck: I'm bloody sorry for not updating. Stupid school teacher fucks and their tests. Grrrr, hate them!

P.S Oh! And Cookie's back!...isn't that greaaa...?!?! Not that anyone cares...I'll just get on with the story won't I?

**Disclaimer: **Don't own nothing. Wait? Did that come out right? _scratches head_ ahm... Don't own....anything! Yeah, that ought to be right.

Stupid CNN with its Bush interviews, Grrrr!

**Chapter 7: Random insanity**

This is what happened in _Something queer this way comes_ last time:

Harry found drugs & decided to sell them. Snape was a bitch. Neville and Ron wet with Harry to sell drugs and unfortunately Ron had a disagreement with one of the drug dealers and was thrown into a pool, unconscious. Will Harry save Ron? Will Cell buy the drugs? And will Snape stop being such a bitch?_ Last ones kinda far fetched I know. _All answered in this chapter, muhaha...choking sound...ah...uuuuurg!...choooking...aaair! coughs up some white feathers and a collar with the name Errol on it. He he...don't tell Ron.

(Rupert Grint's annoying angry fan girl's letters have demanded that I'll bring his character back. They were gonna sue me if I let him drown. Grrr! You annoying bitches! Stop pestering me!)

Harry rushed to the pool and dived down to his friend (who was now unconscious) and got him up to the surface.

"Ron? Wake up! Ron!" Harry exclaimed looking much like that ugly Dicaprio guy in Romeo and Juliet.

"Give him mouth to mouth!" the author came out of nowhere.

"Do I have to?" Harry asked.

"Don't you want to save your friends life?" the author tried to make her causes for Ron and Harry to kiss reasonable.

"Not if I have to give him mouth to mouth."

"Well, will you do it for a hundred quid? I just need him to live for the next chapter, those bloody fan girls are gonna murder me!" the author yelled.

"Ok, ok, crazy controlling bitch. Gimme the money!" Harry mumbled and gave Ron mouth to mouth.

Ron coughed, opened his eyes and let out a girlish scream. After which he fainted again.

Harry looked at what had scared Ron so much. It was deth, of course.

"Who are you?" Harry asked death.

"I'm the freaking pizza-delivery boy."

"Really?" Harry asked.

"No, that's actually my weekend job. On weekdays I'm death."

"Oooh, deth. Ahm, why are you here?" Harry didn't get it.

"I'm here to do a jig for you. What the fuck do you think? I want your friend's soul."

"Oh. You can do a jig?"

"_No_. Moron. I want your friend's soul." deth growled irritated.

"Oh, ok." Harry stepped away from Ron.

The author growled at Harry and he got the point.

"I mean. You can't have him. Because he isn't dead..." Harry said.

"Ahem. _And I won't let you take him._" The author tries to correct the selfish little bastard.

"...and...and I won't let you take him." Harry finished.

"Urgh. This is not my day. First the false report about Courtney Love taking an overdose then the false alarm heart attack with Dick Chaney. I'll _never_ collect my 77238746665278 souls and get that trophy!" deth exclaimed and began to cry.

"Oh. It's ok. If you hang around Harry long enough you'll get your 77238746665278 souls." Neville said and patted death on the back.

"Anyone of us could be next. Me, Hermione, Ron, even you can die!" Neville tried to comfort deth.

"He can't fucking die! He's deth for man!" Harry exclaimed.

"Oh you stupid bitch! Its spelled D-E-A-T-H with a capital D! Why doesn't anyone respect me?!?!" deth yelled and threw his shoe at the author and the stiletto heel hit her head.

"Ahm." Neville attempted a I-think-you-made-a-mistake cough. "Ahm...D-E-A-T-H. Capital D." Neville corrected the author.

"That stupid bastard thinks he's so smart! Ouch, my head! I'm fucking bleeding! Someone call 911! Cookie you take over. I think I gonna pass out."

The author fainted and fell with a big thud crashing through the linoleum and falling through to the third floor, landing right on the neighbors table.

"Whow, the neighbors are going to be in a bit of a shock. Wake up and find a girl in her nightgown on their kitchen table, talk about embarrassing." Cookie said while scratching her as and looking down through the hole in the floor. "Oh well. Back to the writing. Hm, maybe I should clean up the language a bit. Take away the F---- and B---- and B-------."

"Over my F------ dead body you B----! Go and scratch your as somewhere else!" The author had regained consciousness and decided to throw Cookie out of her living room and back into the fic.

"Ok! Can we focus on me!!! I'm upset here!" Deth yelled.

"Ok. You whiney B----! Oh, F---! What has Cookie done to my swearwords?!?!" The author clicks around.

"Fuck! Ok, it worked. Just checking, uh, I'm relieved."

So, Neville was floating next to Deth and patting him on the back.

"You spelled it wrong again!" Deth exclaimed and started sobbing again.

"It was a capital D at least! Can't you be happy you demanding Ringwraith wannabe soul snatcher!" The author yelled and threw his Deth's shoe back at him.

"You can comeback with us to Hogwarts and get souls there if you want to." Harry said, handing Deth a handkerchief.

Deth blew his nose loudly and handed back the handkerchief to Harry.

"Thanks." Deth murmured.

"Ahm...welcome." Harry looked at the handkerchief in disgust and threw it away.

"So, should we head back to Hogwarts?" Neville asked.

"Sure." Harry answered and murmured some spell to make Ron levitate, but failed and turned Ron's head into a giant balloon.

"That will work to." Neville said and tied a rope round the unconscious boys leg. "You hold him." Neville handed the rope to Harry.

"You'll get your money tomorrow." Cell yelled after the three guys and Deth.

"It's D-E-A-T-H! Capitaaa...." Deth turned around.

"Oh, whatever. End of chapter."

Next: Will Deth kill anyone we'll miss or will he FINALLY kill that pain in the as Hermione? Will Ron and Harry make out? Will at least _one class _end without random madness at the end? And will I _ever_ stop sounding like a 'Days of our lives narrator'? All questions answered in chapter 8.

**A/N: **Review foolish mortals! Review!

......Pleaseeeeeeee!

**My reviewers:**

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**NikkiEvans:** Its great that you've been reviewing like every chapter. And yay! I'm sick and twisted!

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**piercedperson: **Another fucked up person? Hmmm....interesting. Great that you like this fic.

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**Amila007: **Thanx Milky. I get it all from my brilliant seagull sized brain. Oh and you're right.

The wings on Nevilles butt _are _cuter if they're small, your right! And see. I _did_ update.

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**Caido Angeles The Dream Angel:** Yeah, Schizzos can be fun.

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	8. Attempt 1

**A/N: **Another chapter from a mindless, high author.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own HarryPotter & co, Deth, fab 5 and I just plainly don't own a god damn thing. Got it?

**Chapter 8: Attempt # 1**

Deth...ok fine...Death and Harry entered the great hall with Neville hovering right beside him, dragging Ron's unconscious as behind him with his chubby hands...

"So. This is Hogwarts?" Death said.

"Yeah. Our dormitory is up the stairs, careful, they move." Harry said as he started to walk up the marble stairs.

"Nothing can happen to me anyway. You know? Being dead and all." Death said.

"Ah, yeah." Harry said.

"Hey, just of curiosity, do you _really_ kill people by touching them?" Neville asked.

"No, not really. I don't kill them." Death answered, sounding sad.

"Then what _do_ you do?" Harry asked as they approached the fat chick's portrait.

"Well...I just wait for the stupid bastards to die and then make them fill out a form about some legal stuff and then it's off to Judge Judy, judgment day and all. I have a boring existence actually." Death answered and gave a sigh.

"Judge Judy? Cool." Neville said as he dropped Ron down on the floor. The poor boy fell to the ground and rolled down the stairs which happened to move right at that moment, making him fall down to the first floor. The three guys rushed over to the edge of the stairs.

"Oh, shit!" Harry exclaimed "Look what you did man!"

Ron was lying unconscious on the first floor and appeared to be bleeding from his head.

Professor Snape (who just happened to be where ever a student had screwed up and point taking was necessary) walked over to the edge of the stairs and said;

"Fifty points from Gryffindor." in an I-honestly-don't-care-about-any-of-you-worthless-losers kind of voice.

"Oh! That's so unfair!" Neville yelled.

"Ok. Another hundred points for he bloodstains on the new carpet." Snape gave a satisfied smirk and walked away.

"Uh!...he's such ...a...a...what's the word Neville?" Harry asked.

"Bitch?" Death butted in.

"Yeah! That's the word."

"Well actually you can't call him a bitch since bitch is a woman and you can't use that on Snape, because he is a man.." An annoying voice (that belonged to Hermione) said in a I-know every-freakin-single-thing-in-the-universe voice.

"With that hair. He could be a girl for all I know." Death said.

"And those perfect nails. Honestly he's got to be gay or something." Harry added.

"Even if he _is_ gay, you still can't call him a bi...." Hermione tried to correct Harry again.

"Whatever. Does anyone actually give a fuck?" Harry said, waving Hermione off. Some mutters like _no not me _and _nope_ were heard from Death and Neville.

"So...what should we do bout Ron?" Harry said, looking down.

"Oooh. Is he dead?" Death asked enthusiastically.

"Don't get your hopes up. I think he's moving." Neville said and pointed at Ron.

"Fuck. I'll never get that promotion now." Death sounded disappointed again.

Ron let out a groaning noise and attempted to sit up but then quickly fell to the floor again.

Madam Pomfrey rushed over to Ron with two paramedics and they carried him away.

"Good, they took care of him." Harry muttered.

"Wanna go and get some lunch now?" Neville asked.

"Sure." Harry answered.

Neville did a summersault in the air and then dived downstairs.

"I'll see you laaaateeer!" Neville shouted as he flew out of sight.

"Cool man." Death sounded impressed again.

"Lucky bastard, wehave to take the _stairs_."

So Harry and Death went downstairs and had lunch with the other annoying brats that go to Hogwarts.

Meanwhile, Gandalf's office...

Puss was pacing up and down in Gandalf's office.

"Where is it?" He asked through grinded teeth.

"I'm done soon." Gandalf said as something exploded, sending rainbow smoke swirls all over the room.

"Is it done?" Puss growled. He was getting impatient.

"Wait." Gandalf replied as he blew up another bottle of something.

"Gandalf the Grey, you better get that potion ready this second or I..."

"Yes! I've got it!" Gandalf picked up a little bottle with some rainbow colored potion in it. "The key to our victory!" Gandalf held up the bottle.

"Oh great! Now give it here." Puss snatched the bottle from Gandalf. "My precioussss." Puss purred and stroked the bottle.

"What did you say?" Gandalf looked suspiciously at puss.

"Ahm...nothing." Puss quickly stopped stroking the bottle.

"All we need to do now is to throw the bottle down on the floor and the potion will start working."

Gandalf took his place behind the sofa; hiding in case if something went wrong and puss lifted the bottle up.

"Puuuurfect." Puss purred as he threw down the potion bottle and it exploded.

Puss and Gandalf coughed.

"Did it cough, cough work?"

"I think so." Gandalf said and peeked out from behind the couch.

Suddenly music started playing.

'_Oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh...'_

And four guys in cashmere sweaters popped up.

_Take me to the cloud above, take me to the cloud above...'_

"Oh no." Gandalf put his hands over his face.

"You imbecile!" Puss roared. "It's the wrong potion! You summoned the most evil of all evils!!! The Fabulous five!!!!"

"You summoned us and..." Carson said.

"What do you want?" Ted said.

"Hey! Who gave you the word? Everyone knows that _I'm_ the star." Carson said, flinging his ugly curly greasy hair.

"No you're not!" Ted yelled.

"I am to!"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Not!"

"Am!"

"Oh so you want a piece of me?" Carson took out hairspray from his purse and sprayed it into Ted's eyes.

"Ah! I'm bliiiiind! You bitch!"

"Technically, you can't call a guy a bitch..." Hermione popped out of nowhere.

Ted took out a jawbreaker (a very cute pink one) from his purse and gagged her. Then he took out a fork and a can of pesto.

"Take this!" He took pesto on the fork and flung it at Carson, hitting him right on his pink cashmere sweater, making a big nasty stain.

"Oh! Bitch! This was brand new!" Carson took off his shoe and was about to throw it at Ted.

"Hey stop it! Listen!" Jai butted in "The guys that summoned us are gone!"

"What?" All four of them exclaimed. "Where did they go?"

Gandalf and Puss ran down the stairs and out into the great hall.

"You hide and I'll sit at the teachers table. Meet you at eighteen hundred in the south tower!" Gandalf said, panting.

"Ok. Meet you there." Puss snapped his fingers and shimmered out of sight.

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**A/N:** Ok. My imagination has still not returned. It decided to stay in Florida till October 26th :-(

So, hope this chapter was ok. I'll update something more insane at the end of the week.

Oh, and suggestions are still welcome!

**Thanx to:**

**NikkiEvans: **Always look forward to your reviews. How many times have I been told that I'¨m insane now? Always fun to hear it though. And as for Malfoy, he'll be fine...hm...or maybe...not muhahhaha! music dundundun.

**Amila007: **Äntligen din jävel!!!!!!!!!! Glad you liked the random insanity. I'll do my best to get rid of Hermione and more Ron & Harry fluff is possibly on the way. See ya :-)


	9. Chapter 9: More random stuff

**A/N: **I don't have a clue of what I'm doing.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Harry Potter.

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**Chapter 9: More random crazy stuff**

Harry and Ron were sitting and eating lunch.

"Pass the bread." Harry mumbled with his mouth full.

"Sue." Ron said, his mouth also full of food, and passed the bread.

"Something feels od." Neville said and put his elbows on the table.

"Yeah, wonder what it could be?" Ron said as he gulped down his food with a disgusting sound.

"Well, were speaking with our mouths full, Neville put his elbows on the table _and_ spelled od with one d. Hmm, something isn't right here." Harry said and scratched his head. A long silence followed.

"I've got it!" Harry exclaimed. "Hermione's gone!"

"Where could she be?" Neville said.

"What if something happened to her? Cause she said she was going to meet us at lunch." Ron said sounding worried (because he is in love with Hermione but is too chicken to admit it.)

"Hey! Who are you calling chicken?!?" Ron yelled.

Micheal J. Fox appeared out of nowhere dressed in cowboy clothes.

"Nobody calls me chicken!"

The author quickly took out a cartoon hammer and hit him in the head with it. Little cute cartoon birds started to circle his head and poor Micheal J fox fell.

"So you think _I'm _a chicken?!" Ron stood up.

"Ahm, yeah! But shut up and just go ahead and eat your disgusting kidney pie fake barfing sounds so I can continue the story."

"So you think I'm a chicken?"

"What are you, Death or something?"

"Ahm, yeah." Death's head turned towards the author.

"I mean deaf then, it fucking sounds the same and English isn't my native language." Then author took out a stun gun and electrocuted Ro, so he fell to the floor and started to twitch.

"So fucking tired of you."

"You are_ so_ going to pay for that." Harry said as he took out his wand. "Circius horrificus!" He yelled and the most horrible, scary, disgusting creature in the world appeared in front of the author; a clown!

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH! I FUCKING HATE CLOWNS!" The author yelled.

The clown took out a pink balloon and started to blow it up, he formed it into the second most horrible creature ever; a French poodle.

"NOOOOOO!" The author ran out of the great hall screaming, with the fluffy French poodle running after her. "YOU EVIL BASTAAARDS!"

"Great to get rid of that psycho bitch." Harry said and took a piece of his disgusting pie.

"Listen man, should we maybe look for her?" Neville asked.

"Who?" Harry said.

"Hermione. Hello?" Neville answered, sounding bitchy.

"Oh, yeah, something might have happened to her." Ron said as he woke up and got up from the floor.

"Maybe we _should_ look for her." Harry said.

Everyone looked at each other silently.

"NAH." They said in unison and continued to eat.

"She's probably shagging Snape or something anyway." Death said.

Both Harry and Ron looked disgusted by the thought and started to choke.

"What? That's what she does in every fan fic." Death said.

"You read fan fics?" Neville sounded surprised.

"_Everybody _reads fan fics. I just totally hate the Ron and Harry pairing. Snape and Hermione is ok I guess, but one thing I really hate is Snape and Harry and the Sirius/Lupin, urgh."

"Then I think you're in the wrong fic." The author showed up out of nowhere again.

"Not you again!" Ron yelled.

"Yes, me. I'm here all the time you know?"

"You are?" Harry asked.

"Hello. I'm the freakin author!"

"Oh, yeah." Neville said.

"Can't you go away?" Harry asked.

"Ahm...nope. But I'll be gone as soon as I get my payback at Ron."

"I've _just_ regained consciousness." Ron moaned. "What have I done this time?"

"Called me a psycho bitch."

"Well, you _are _a psycho bitch."

"Yeah, but I still want to get rid of Ron." The author took a dog whistle and the ugly French poodle ran up to Ron and started to chew on his leg.

"Ouch!" Ron yelled.

"Oh, whatever." The author jumped back out of the story.

Madam Pomfrey and two paramedics ran up to Ron again.

Meanwhile, some hallway...

Fab five were running down the stairs, trying to track down Gandalf and Puss when they bumped into Kyan A.K.A, the grooming guy.

"Hey! Where have you been?" Carson asked Kyan as he hugged him.

"I saw this guy with the most awful hair like, ever! So I just _had_ to stop and fix it. Honestly McDonalds produces less grease in a century." Kyan answered.

"Please tell me you rinsed and repeated." Carson said.

"Of course, what do you _think_ of me?!" Kyan sounded offended.

"God knows." Ted said.

"There you go _again_. Steal my lines." Carson turned to Ted, who quickly took out a can of tomato sauce and a fork.

"Oh yeah? C'mon!" Carson yelled and showed his nails (with pink nail polish.)

"Girls. Stop fighting. We need to track down that old guy and his cat" Jai said.

"Yeah, let's split up." Ted suggested. Nobody responded. And a long silence followed.

"I have an idea! Let's split up!" Carson exclaimed.

"Yeah." Jai said.

"Good idea." Thom said.

"Great thinking Carson." Kyan patted Carson on the back.

"Hello! When _I_ suggested that, no one listened!" Ted yelled, sounding upset.

Once again, no one cared.

Everyone split up.

Meanwhile, Snape's office...

Snape was sitting in is chair, not like he had a choice though, since Kyan had tied him to his chair when he was going to wash his hair ) so Snape wouldn't resist, he was rather attached to the grease) and Kyan accidentally forgot to release Snape afterwards.

So, there he was, tied up. Somebody entered the room. Snape couldn't quite see who it was.

"What happened?" The person asked. Snape recognized the voice.

"_Granger? What the hell is she doing here? Oh well, this can't be that bad._"

Snape thought.

"What happened?" Hermione walked over to Snape and started top untie his robes...I mean ropes. He he.

She took away the tape that Kyan had gagged him with.

"Fab five, makeover, Kidnapping...You... " Snape mumbled Snape, not really knowing what the hell he was saying.

Hermione leaned closer to Snape to untie the ropes hbehind his back ...

**A/N: **Should I give you bad mental images or not? Oh, well...muhaha! Review. I'll continue as soon as I get reviwes for this chapter.

**Thanx to:**

**NikkiEvans: **Sorry, no Draco and Ginny randomly making out in this chapter. AND OF COURSE NEVILLE STILL HAS THE WINGS! Why would I take that away?! Anywayz, thanx for reviewing.

**Destiny13: **Sorry, guess there'll be some SSHG after all...muhaha. Glad you liked the story. Hope you continue reading it :-)


	10. Attempt 2

**A/N:** Hillloooo!!! Sorry I haven't updated yet (grounded), I'll get chapter 11 out in two days, promise (if anyone actually cares.) and thanx to milk for the title of the movie that's featured further down.

:-)...Ha ha! This looks like a drooling smiley…he he...:-)…he he… Ok, I am insane.

**Disclaimer:** Eeeh...a group of lawyers are advancing on me Je not speaky Engliiiish...Lawyers look furious I-don't-own-Harry-Potter-or-West-side-story-ok-bye!…try to sneak away trough the door, lawyers knock me out with a briefcase

I don't own anythiiiing…faints

**Chapter 10: Attempt # 2**

"_Last time on "Something queer this way comes": _

_Harry, Ron and Neville were discussing some unimportant stuff like Hermione._

_Kyan, A.K.A grooming guy from fab 5 showed up after fixing Snape's nasty hair. _

_Hermione found Snape tied to a chair._

_And most important…Ron finally got chased out of Hogwarts buy a French poodle. _

_What happened to Harry's drug dealing carrier?_

_Will Gandalf and Puss succeed with their potion? _

_Will Death get that promotion?_

_Will NikkiEvans actually get to read about Ginny and Draco?_

_And who is the next guest star in this inanity?_

_All this and more in Chapter 10… "_

A dungeon way, way under ground level number 53675481 (right above hell)…

Puss and Gandalf were sitting on the floor with many bottles in front of them; each bottle contained some sparkly shiny liquid with an interesting color.

Gandalf was sorting the bottles in two stacks; the colorful and the…less colorful.

"So, any idea of how we could make the guys fall in love with each other and get those five annoying cashmere whores back to wherever they came from?"

"No, and if you wouldn't have screwed up we wouldn't have those makeover guys from hell chasing us now." Puss growled, studying a bottle marked 'pixie dung'.

"You're right." Gandalf took out a cauldron and poured a green liquid from a bottled labeled 'Merlin's foot fungus solution' into it.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing now?" Puss growled again.

"Ahm...yes." Gandalf said, not sounding quite as sure as he should have.

"Was that hesitation I heard in your voice?" Puss looked at Gandalf. "I don't accept hesitation."

"I was just thinking." Gandalf said.

"No, you hesitated. That was clear hesitation. You do not hesitate when it comes to working for me. You hear me?" Puss said, pointing one of his razor sharp claws at Gandalf.

"For Houndini's sake, stop being all, mean." Gandalf said, throwing in a piece of banshee tongue. . "You sound like my…"

Gandalf was interrupted by a little 'puff' sound as some red smoke irrupted from the cauldron.

"Is it done?" Puss said, looking at the potion with anticipation.

"It's done." Gandalf said. "All we have to do is make the little brats drink it." He poured up the potion into a big bottle labeled; 'X'

"Excellent" Puss rubbed his paws together. "No fucking way! Can you please stop?!" Puss yelled.

"Sorry. I just happen to love Simpsons." The author responded.

Puss looked at the author with a murderous look (cats can look murderous right?).

"Stage 2 of plan B may begin." Gandalf said.

"Excellent." Puss rubbed his paws together again. "No fucking way! Can you please stop?!" Puss yelled.

"Sorry. I just happen to love Simpsons." The author responded.

Puss looked at the author with a murderous look (cats can look murderous right?).

"Hate her." Puss growled.

The Gryffindor boy's dormitory…

Harry was frantically throwing his clothes out of his trunk.

"Where is it?!?!" He yelled.

"What are you looking for?" Neville asked poking his nose into Harry's trunk.

"My cell phone." Harry answered.

"What's a sell tone?"

"A cell phone. You can talk to people far away from you through it."

"Muggles are weird."

"Yeah. But what are you going to do today?" Harry asked, as he continued to search through his trunk.

"Dunno. You know if Ron has woken up?"

"Nope…oh I found it!" Harry took out his cell phone; which was pink by the way.

"So, that's a smell mone. Looks lame"

"Cell phone man, repeat after me, _cell phone_. And I took Dudley's by mistake. Damn."

"Whatever. You do know that muggle stuff doesn't work on school grounds."

"Yeah."

The phone rang; _'I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie wooorld…'_

"It works?" Harry looked puzzled at the phone.

"Wonder who it could be."

Harry pressed the answer button.

"Hello?"

_"Seven days!"_ a creepy voice said.

"What?"

_"You will die in seven days.." _the voice continued, less creepy.

"What the fuck are you on about?"

_"This is Dudley right?"_

"Ahm, no. This is Harry Potter."

_"Oh, sorry, wrong number."_-click.

"Weirdo."

"Who was that Harry?"

"Dunno."

"What did they say?"

"_Seven days."_

"Oh, Samara. I dated that bitch a while ago. Man, she had issues."

Harry gave Neville a long stare but then the silence was interrupted again;

_I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie wooorld…'_

"What?!?!" Harry answered.

"_Harry Potter?"_

"No, Carson Daly!"

"_Ooooh! I toatally looove you! You were so great on…"_

"I was being sarcastic."

"_Oh. So you are Harry Potter?"_

"Uhuh."

"_Oh, great! Turns out this was the right number. You see, your cousin watched a tape and now he has to die in seven days. I tried to leave a message on his answering machine but the bastard is too lazy to check it. So can you tell him that he's gonna die?"_

"Yeah sure…but …what tape?"

"_Fat boys gone wild."_

"Yuck. Ok, I'll tell him." Harry replied making a disgusted face.

"_Ok."-_click.

"Hey, what ya doin?" Ron entered the room, with bandage all over his head and cuts and bruises all over.

"What happened?" Harry looked at Ron in horror.

"Poodles are very aggressive you know?"

"Poodles?!?" Neville was puzzled and humored at the same time.

"Yes, underneath all that fluff and all those bow-ties, they're ruthless." Ron's eyes glazed over and he blinked. "Die mutherfuckers. Die! Die! You evil creatures from Mars! They're here to take over the woooorld!!!!" His stare went over to Harry. "Harry,oh darling! WOn't you marry me? I've dreamt..."He blinked again and his eyes went back to normal.

"WHAT THE…" Harry and Neville said I unison.

"What?" Ron didn't have a clue of what he had said."Did I do the freaky multiple personality thing again?"

Neville and Harry nodded.

"Darn. Oh well… Harry, I have to ask you soemthing. If I'd like to get some, ahm…If I'd want to buy something form one of your acquaintances, where would I go?"

"Buy what?"

"Well, you know."

"No I don't."

"Ahm…If I'd like to puff the magic dragon."

Neville and Harry exchanged puzzled looks.

"You know." Ron looked at them and gestured something with his hands.

"You wanna buy drugs?" Harry finally got it.

"Yeah."

"Ok, but we can't go to East Hogsmead this time. I'm in a tight spot with Cell right now so I'm staying off the East end. "

West Hogsmead…

Neville, Harry and Ron were walking down a street which looked just like the street in East Hogsmead, except that the graffiti writings no longer said "West side sucks ------" but instead there were writings like _"Jets" _and _"Sharks"_.

"Hmm…how come its always down the street and not up the street?" Neville asked.

"Because I'm the freakin author! Get it through your heads! Now back to the plot you lazy asses!" The authors voice sounded from nowhere.

"Alright, whatever. Psycho bitch." Ron mumbled.

A French Poodle appeared out of nowhere in a puff of pink smoke.

"Oh, not again!" Ron whimpered.

"Nah, I won't. I need you for this chapter. Now off you go you silly puffs." The author butted out of the story again and the poodle disappeared in a puff of purple smoke with a squeal.

Ron whipped his forehead with his hand.

"Bloody Merlin, she is cranky today. I hate that freakin poodle."

The company continued walking _up _the street.

"UP?" all of them said in unison.

"Yes. _UP_, carrot-top over here was wondering why you never walk _up_ a street, so, there you go."

"Oh thanks a lot Ron! Now we have to climb fuckin mount Everest coz of you!" Neville yelled and looked at the street ahead of them, rising up above the clouds.

"Honestly, make one fuckin movie about something and the whole world goes crazy." Harry rolled his eyes when he saw another wall covered in West Side Story lyrics.

"Fuckin ay man, right on. Though I _did _actually like West side story. It's kinda good." Neville said (including swearwords just to make the sentence less gay).

"_I feel pretty, oh so pretty, Oh so pretty and witty and ga…." _

"Ron don't you dare finish that sentence!" Harry yelled, first we have to drag our asses up this mountain and now you're _singing_!"

Ron stopped the horrible singing.

"Sorry."

"Here we are." Harry said, panting, as they approached a huge castle-like building with a ten Rolce Royces' parked outside.

"Cool." Ron said.

Nevile collapsed on the pavement.

"I knew I should have eaten that last doughnut this morning." Neville said, panting like hell.

**A/N:** Anyway…I just wanna remind you to give suggestions of new characters, so I can steal them, publish them, become the greatest writer in the world, get the Pulitzer and take the world muhaha!!!!! does the mr: Burns hand thing Excellent!!! Or…I could just include them to make this fic a bit funnier…whatever tries to look innocent.

**Thax to:**

**NikkiEvans: **Thanx for reviewing, Ginny will show up soon, promise, this chapter was just to long anyway. Keep reading.

**CountingCodfish: **Isn't that movie just great? And no, you didn't mix it up with some other movie. Peace out.

**Caido Angeles The Dream Angel**Muhaha!

**Snuffles: **Heloooooo! Read A/N it says, _I'm stupid and insane_! Duh!

**Amila000007:** oops…sorry too many 00000 anyhow, I finally updated and thanx for reviewing.

Kram Vargen.


	11. Refreshments

**A/N:** If any of you actually give a badgers as, I'm sorry for not updating. Holidays and all, you know. Anywayz, I'm back.

Stupid, insane, high and with the humor of a four-year old (and the gramar of one to).

**Disclaimer: **I….don't…own any....I…..Don't Own….psychiatrist gives me a persuading look I don't. Own Ha…ha…Harry….Potter

starts crying. But I want to own Harry Potter! It's my precious! Precioussssss…psychiatrist takes a notebook and writes something down

Hey, what are you writing in that book??? You think I'm insane, don't you? You're writing down that I'm crazy aren't you? Gimme that booooook!!!! You PHD bastard!!! Get hit by a coconut Cookie! You biii….tch collapse

**Chapter 12: Refreshments **

"We're finally here." Harry said as he wiped the sweat from his forehead with Ron's sleeve.

"Ew!" Ron made a disgusted face.

"Oh shut up, Broadway boy." Neville aid has he attempted to get up from the spot where he had collapsed.

Harry reached out to help his fat friend up.

"Thanks." Neville said as he heaved himself up.

"Man it's really a _good_ thing you didn't eat that doughnut this morning."

"Oh shut up you bitch." Neville growled.

"That's mean." Harry said.

"Well, calling me fat isn't nice either."

"I didn' say you were fat."

"You implied it."

"No I didn'."

"Hey, guys?" Ron tried to stick in to the conversation but no one listened, as usual.

"You're always so condescending on people. Mister look-at-me-I'm-such-a-celebrity." Neville said, hovering in a little circle doing some kind of dance which was supposed to imitate Harry.

"You sound like Malfoy." Harry muttered.

"Oh, now you've crossed the line." Neville looked pissed.

"Guys???" Ron tried to say something again, no one cared.

Neville pushed Harry after which Harry kicked Neville and sent him flying into a wall.

"Ouch.´" Neville rubbed his as. "I think I fractured a wing."

"Sorry." Harry said.

"We could let mister Miyagi look at it when we get back to school." Ron suggested, finally being helpful in some way.

"Great, now I have to walk." Neville muttered as he got up, again, with great difficulty.

It was scary, Neville had grown to almost the size of Dudley over the summer.

The three guys walked over to the door, which didn't look very inviting.

A strange looking guy with so much bling bling around his neck his face was only inches form the ground, he resembled Quasimodo from The Ring of Notre Dame.

"The football team?" Neville asked.

"No, the giant church."

"Where?" Neville was puzzled.

"Paris."

"Hilton? Isn't that the chick that made that por…" Neville attempted to say, but got interrupted by the author.

"No… Paris, France."

"Damn French people, with their frog-eating and their stupid tower and their bullfighting." Neville said.

"Ahm, they don't have bullfighting in France, it's Spanish." Ron corrected Neville.

"Ha! What a stupid country! Don't even have bullfighting."

All of a sudden Jean Reno appears out of nowhere.

"Stjupiiid American wanna-be!" Jean said and whacks Neville with a baguette.

Hey someone had to be unconscious during this chapter!!!

The author runs up to Jean Reno.

"While you're here anyway, can I have your autograph?"

Jean looks puzzled, but sings the authors stupid paper.

"Oki, you can go."

Jean disappeared in a puff of purple smoke.

On with the story.

"Ahm, how was the story?" Harry was confused.

"You were going to ask the guy with the pants below his knees to open the door."

"Oh, ok." Harry walked over to the strange man.

"Ahm, we are here to se Flo."

"Sizzle fizzle doggy nizzle an' I drizzle down the hizzle blizzle."

"What the hell are you on about?" Harry looked confused (for the 84983625965 time in this fic.)

"Can' brotha' practice his rapp'n??? Whdjawan?"

"To speak to Flo."

"Ah, Brotha's inside."

The guy opened the door and the three guys entered. The room they had entered was highly over-decorated with gold and pictures of naked ladyz.

There were three sofas in the room (all with tiger stripes on them).

There was a huge glass table in the middle of the room.

A skinny, pale guy with the hugest ears Ron had ever seen came into the room.

"'Arry my brotha' from anotha' motha'!" the pale guy did some weird hand shake with Harry and did a macho hug (when you hold hands and just pat eachother on the back with the other hand, you know.)

"Listen, Florence, my friend here wants to talk to one of your associates, so, do you have anyone here right now?" Harry asked the pale guy (who's namer apparently was Florence).

"Sure, sure man, but ova here its Flo man, 'key?"

" 'key" Harry nodded.

Another man entered the room, looking nothing like "Flo".

"You buyin'?" He asked, turning to Ron.

"Ye."¨ Ron answered.

"Ova here." The man waved him into another room. Which had even more gold, leather, animal prints but no pictures of naked ladyz.

A guy that looked a lot like Snoop Dog sat on a sofa, sorting out some bags with mysterious contents.

"Ahm, Helooo?" Ron tried talking.

"Ye?" The guy responded.

"Anh, I'm here to ahm."

"Yeeees?" The guy said.

"I'm here to purchase some ahm…"refreshments"." Ron said (avoiding the word drugs).

"We have a beer or something in the fridge I think" The guy answered, without looking up.

"Ahm…no, I mean like ahm…coke." Ron tried to get to the point.

"We only have seven-up."

"No, not what I meant. I want some, ahm…well." Ron was blushing. "Ahm, "Puff the magic dragon"".

"´He's out for vacation." The guy said, pouring some pink pills into a bag.

"Hey, Neville sells those!" Ron said, and pointed at the bag.

"He sells them?" The guy looked up, for the first time. "Neville Longbottom?"

"Yes! He sold those to Angelina last wee…" Ron didn't finish his sentence as the guy that was sitting on the sofa five seconds ago had jumped up and pulled out a nice "little" gun out.

The guy gestured Ron to move towards the door and Ron obeyed, totally not getting what was going on.

Ron and the guy entered.

"Hey, Potter! Where's Lardbottom?!" The guy asked.

"Outside, unconscious." Harry answered.

"Why?" Flo was puzzled.

"Got hit by a baguette."

"Oooh. What's goin' on?" Flo noticed the gun his partner was holding.

"That bitch's the one that's been steelin' our pills man!"

"The new pretty pink ones?" Flo, didn't look happy.

"Hey guys! You just left me outside!" Neville had regained consciousness again. "Woha! Heey guys, I can ex-ex-p-p-lain-n." Neville noticed Flo and the angry guy with the gun.

"What should we do with the poor bastard?" Flo asked.

"Please don't kill me, I-I-I will g-g-g-ive you m-m-oney, I'll replace the cost." Neville understood that he was busted.

Flo took out a gun.

"Too late."

Flo raised the gun and the barrel leveled with Neville's eyes.

Flo, squeezed the trigger…

**A/N: **Will update soon, must have feedback though, feeling a bit strange today so, will do better next time. Expect odd coupling, singing and some guest stars!

**Thanx to:**

**Justforkicks: **He, he I love random insanity to. To bad bout your story.

**NikkiEvans: **always glad to see a review from you. Hope you had a good New Year to.


	12. Stranger in the dark

**A/N:** Hehe it's been almost a year since I posted my last chapter...so sorry if it's a bit weird, kinda lost my track of thought during that time. Oh well gimme feedback if you want this crap to end or if you like it…

**p.s** just so you know, this story started before HBP and it stays the way it was before, awright…Ron and Hermione haven't started to date, no Snape killing Dumbledore none of that has happened… a creepy cartoon penguin pops up "You didn't see aaanything"….

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything…except for the plot, some of it anyway, and Neville's pink wings and the pink little purrty pills…mmmm pink….oh well, I don't own any Harry Potter stuff, or the Rules of attraction soundtrack and I sure as hell am not making any money off it…fuck…

**Chapter 12: **

_Last time on Something queer this way comes. _

_Ron accidentally let slip about Neville's drug dealing secrets and Neville was held at gunpoint for stealing the pink pretty pills from some dealers._

_What on earth will save them now?..._

Flo squeezed the trigger. 'click'.

"Fuck man! I forgot to reload it!"

Hehe, ya'll saw that one coming didn't you? I suck at plots.

"You fucking idiot." Harry muttered.

All of a sudden Hermione pops out of nowhere.

"WIZARDS DON'T HAVE GUNS!" She yelled.

"YES THEY DOOOO! Now shut up and serve your purpose!" the author yelled back at Hermione.

"Gunnius awayus drugdealius pertify!" Hermione yelled pointing her wand at the drug dealers and all of them fell to the ground…erm...petrified.

"Harry I was so worried! It's such a rough neighborhood. What if you got hurt?" Hermione started to whine while hugging Harry.

"Eh-em." Ron cleared his throat as if to notify the little hairball that he was also present in the room and in mortal danger.

"YOU! This is all your fault! I know it was your idea to buy drugs! You could've gotten Harry killed!" Hermione punched Ron and he fell, once again hitting his head on something and bleeding.

"Oh, Hermione! Was that necessary? Now we have to drag his arse all the way back to school." Neville whined.

"Sorry. The author made me do it!" Hermione exclaimed in defense

"Whatever. Let's go to school."

All of a sudden the Ramones popped up out of nowhere…

"_Hey ho! Let's go! Hey ho, let's go!..." _

"Bandius shut uppius!" Hermione pointed at the band and their voices were gone.

"Hey! I like that song!" The author got pissed. "For that I'll take away the leviosa spell and make _you _carry Ron all the way back to school. Muhaha!"

"Arh." Hermione groaned, but obediently picked up Ron's with no difficulties what so ever.

"Wow, you work out?" Harry asked in amazment.

"No. A radioactive bug just bit me to give me inhuman strength just so I'll fit into the plot better." Hermione replied.

The three set off toward Hogwarts under the tune of Neville's singing.

"_Spiderman, spiderman does whatever a spider can..."_

As our heroes walked back to the school I'll tell you what was going on back at school, just coz I don't feel like describing their long boring journey, let's just say Neville got hit by a stampede and broke his wings…again.

Back at school in Gandalf's bedroom.

"Let's try this on someone now." Gandalf said as he held up the bottle with the X on it.

"Hmm…who?" The puss said and took a drag from his pipe.

"I dunno…hey is that my pipe?" Gandalf asked.

"Nope." Puss answered and blew puff od smoke that formed a spaceship.

"It says Gandalf on it." Gandalf said, pointing at the blinged out nametag _Gandalf_.

"Oh..heh. Yah. Well, how about Dumbledore?" Puss said, blowing another smoke spaceship.

"That would be funny." Gandalf said. "C'mon, before my class starts."

Puss jumped down from the armchair and he and Gandalf sneaked off to Dumbledore's office. They came to the giant gargoyle.

"What can the password be?" Gandalf muttered.

"Strawberry flavored condoms!" Puss exclaimed and the gargoyle rolled it's eyes and hopped aside, exposing a spiral staircase.

Gandalf and puss sneaked up and Gandalf pushed the door gently and gasped.

"What, what, what?" Puss pushed Gandalf aside and peaked into the room where he saw Dumbledore in a leopard thong, matching push up and something that seemed to be Neville's grandma's hat on, dancing on his bed (yes, there was a bed there) to George Micheal.

_Well, I guess it would be nice_

_If I could touch your body_

_I know not everybody_

_Has got a body like you._

_Oh, but I gotta think twice_

_Before I give my heart away_

_And I know all the games you play_

_Because I play them, too._

Gandalf pushed puss away and leaned towards the door to see better.

"I want to see." Puss hissed and jumped on Gandalf making him fly though the door and both of them looked up in horror.

But Dumbledore paid no attention to the intruders but continued his disgusting little dance.

_Cause I gotta have Faith_

_I gotta have... Faith_

_Because I've gotta have Faith, Faith, Faith_

_I gotta have Faith, Faith, Faith._

_Baby, I know you're asking me to stay_

_Saying please, please, please don't go away_

_You say I'm giving you the blues._

After a few minutes of dancing Dumbledore noticed Puss and Gandalf, but instead of getting angry he just smiled and waved.

Puss and Gandalf exchanged puzzled looks but then their eyes fell upon a little bottle next to Dumbledore's coffee labeled "F 5 invigorating tonic…_caution, excessive amounts can lead to unwanted side effects._"

"Ah what the hell." Dumbledore jumped up on the bed to and started to dance.

"Oh. What the hell are you doing?" Puss groaned and put his paws over his face.

_Cause I gotta have Faith_

_I gotta have... Faith_

_Because I've gotta have Faith, Faith, Faith_

_I gotta have Faith, Faith, Faith._

"Gandalf." No reply. "GANDALF!" No reply. "Gandalf! Stop...oh god! What are you…oh ew…stop touching that. Oh, never mind." Puss growled and got up to leave the room.

He went down the stairs, past the gargoyle and out into the hallway, trying extremely hard to suppress the metal images he was getting.

All of a sudden a gloved hand grabbed him.

"Fear me!" Puss exclaimed as a reflex. The owner of the hand laughed.

"Who are you?" Puss asked, looking at the cloaked figure (no it's not a dementor).

"I'm the real Slim Shady. What the hell do you think?" The voice hissed.

"_I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady_

_all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating_

_so wont the real Slim Shady please stand up,_

_please stand up, please stand up_

_cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady_

_all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating_

_so wont the real Slim Shady please stand up,_

_please stand up, please stand up…" _

Puss started to sing.

"Shut up you blithering idiot!" The voice boomed and the figure hit Puss. "Shut up and listen to me."

"Yes master." Puss said and ceased the oh so horrible singing.

"How is the work moving along?"

"Erm…well, just fine." Puss lied.

"Well, not fine enough! I need you to work faster." The voice boomed again.

"Well, I can't. I had a plan…but there were some set backs." Puss said.

"_Some _set backs? You mean this!" The stranger lifted his hand and made the ceiling transparent so the dancing Gandalf and Dumbledore were exposed.

"Well..erm..yes."

_You gotta have faith dun dun…_

"I think I'll have to put plan B into action." The stranger said.

"Well, technically that would be plan C cause…" Puss began.

"Silence!" The voice boomed once again.

"I have no need for you anymore!" The cloaked figure said as he directed what appeared to be a pink fluffy wand (the kind little girls have) at Puss.

Pink fumes circled round Puss and he collapsed on the floor.

"Excellent. Now victory is mine…MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" The cloaked stranger laughed as he looked up towards the dancing transvestite Dumbledore.

_Gotta have faith..dun dun dun…_

**A/N: **Yah I know, not a funny chapter, but I'll get a hang of it again. Review so I can do a better job next time.


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